The Worst Story Ever Told
by tweak1
Summary: Take every single Mary-Sue ever made, put in a blender and sprinkle with a hefty dose of sarcasm. Serves Mary-Sues with a dose of their own medicine.


Disclaimer: I own none of this, especially not the trappings of the Mary- Sue story. Come to think of it, I don't own the narrative, the characters, the setting or anything which could possibly be construed as original. Hell, I don't even own the computer I'm typing on. There. I am now sufficiently depressed. I hope that you're happy.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
The Worst Story Ever Written  
  
First off, forget that the War of the Ring ever happened. If this fic is anything to go by, there was no Fellowship of the Ring or anything of that kind, and Middle-Earth is just a template onto which your own stories can be put. Don't bother to remember any historical/literary fact, or indeed any geographical fact- put the Shire just outside Mordor, forget the Misty Mountains and put Imladris Home Of The Elves on the moon.  
  
So Legolas is lying all alone in a forest somewhere. It doesn't matter where, as long as he's alone, and preferably topless. He's strumming on a lute and humming some forlorn love tune, so if any orcs come to kidnap him he won't hear them or even have time to draw his bow. It's forlorn because he can't find a true love of his own. Of course.  
  
Suddenly there's a crash, or a scream, or a flash of lightning. Legolas sits up, says, "Gee, I wonder what that was!" and sets out to investigate, clutching his dagger, or bow and arrow if the writer wants to be a little more accurate, protectively. (As to whether or not he's still topless, it's up to you.)  
  
He wanders around the forest for a bit, humming his forlorn love song and thinking to himself, "I am so forlorn. I have no love of my own. Oh dear dear. Woe is me." Etc, etc, etc. Now don't get the impression that he's being a bit of a wimp- he's just being sensitive and understanding and, well, forlorn.  
  
And he comes to a clearing where the following may be happening.  
  
A group of orcs is trying to kidnap a strong (but very beautiful) human girl.  
  
A strong (but very beautiful) human girl is injured, presumably from when she fell out of the sky into Middle-Earth, since no other explanation of her presence there is provided.  
  
A strong (but very beautiful) girl is bathing, or singing, or something else which manages to convey her incredible beauty but at the same time her strong independence.  
  
Either way, poor Legolas falls in love immediately with the strong (but very beautiful) human girl, and with several thoughts of awe and wonder- "She's so strong (but very beautiful), I think I'm in love" and similar bland statements. He rushes over to help, and successfully beats off the orcs, or carries her home slung over his naked back, or watches her as she bathes or sings. (No decency, these elves. None whatsoever. Watching a strong (but very beautiful) human girl bathe! Complete cads!)  
  
And then, somehow or other, they end up back at his place. Which is usually a palace. It could be Elrond's or his father's, or whatever. And the girl thinks it's wonderful, and she thinks Legolas is wonderful for saving her or watching her bathe, or whatever. And they keep on exchanging little shy glances saying "I'm secretly in love with you but there are many obstacles which will keep us apart before we can fall into one another's arms in a triumphant and very soppy finish."  
  
Or they fall into each other's arms right there, indicating that the writer has got tired of the story and wants to end it quickly. In which case there is no morning-after guilt, or complaints about Legolas snoring or 'things moving too fast'. There's just a happy afterglow. In which the two lovers live happily ever after, and everyone who feels like being sick can go off and do so.  
  
If there are obstacles, they can be any of the following:  
  
She's strong (but very beautiful) and doesn't want to get married because it will condemn her to a life of servitude, even if it is to a very, very handsome immortal prince. With brown hair. BROWN HAIR, dammit! Who ISN'T Orlando Bloom and never WILL be Orlando Bloom! Got that? Good.  
  
Her father doesn't want them to get married. God only knows why.  
  
They're too shy to reveal their feelings to each other, and veil their secret undying love within an appearance of hatred and sarcastic barbs. You know, like in any teen movie you've ever seen.  
  
She's betrothed to someone else, who is (in true form) a real git.  
  
Pick any of these. Any whatsoever. But we'll assume it's a combination of all four. They pretend they really hate each other, she doesn't want to get married, she's going to be married to someone else anyway- against her strong (but very beautiful) will- and her dad doesn't want them to get married, presumably because he arranged the marriage with the git and is therefore by extension a real git himself.  
  
Now any OTHER relationship faced with this amount of obstacles would fall immediately to pieces. It just isn't possible. And if anyone dares send me a review saying they've been in a romantic mess like this and they ended up marrying the very handsome immortal prince, I'll send the CIA, the MIB and the IRA after you, along with the men in white coats, who will take you away to a happy place.  
  
If I were Legolas, I'd throw up my hands and give up. Let's face it, there are plenty more strong (but very beautiful) human girls where she comes from- out of the sky, presumably. In which case it's raining possible wives. But no, the idiot decides that she's his one and only true love and that no father/independence/betrothal/pretended hate is going to stand in his way to woo her. Making life VERY hard for himself, really. Poor git.  
  
Tune in next time to see what would ACTUALLY happen to Legolas and his darling strong (but very beautiful) woman in the REAL world.  
  
P.S. That little blue button down there's feeling lonely. Go keep it company. 


End file.
